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Tag: burnout

  • 3 Surprising Reasons Burnout Isn’t What You Think It Is

    The WHO calls it an occupational hazard. Your brain calls it a fuel shortage. Both are right, and neither one is your fault.

    I really, really hate the word “burnout.”

    It’s the catch phrase everyone reaches for to talk about bone-weary exhaustion in the most commonplace way.

    I’ve actually experienced it twice, and even then I REFUSED to call it burnout, out of sheer pride. Medicated, and threatened by my physician with a forced medical leave of absence, I still resisted the title, because to me “burnout” admitted defeat. Failure.

    But today everyone tosses the word around. Either they’re living it, or they’re selling a solution for how to avoid it, recover from it, outsmart it.

    Here’s my problem. Burnout is so much more than being “tired” or “fatigued” or even “exhausted.”

    Think about the word itself. It’s two words – burn and out. Extinguished. Complete. Nothing left.

    Meaning your brain literally does not have the fuel left to do what it needs to do.

    This is a neurochemical situation.

    And I come at this from a slightly different angle, for a few reasons.

    First, I teach undergraduate psychology, and I’ve spent over 20 years translating brain, behavior, and social psychology for organizational leaders going through disruption and transformation.

    Second, I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD, and I’m learning how differently neurodivergent brains are actually wired.

    Third, I went through menopause three times in my 30s. And now, as all my friends hit perimenopause and menopause, I’m revisiting my own experience through a new lens, because their questions keep surfacing ones I never thought to ask.

    I’m making connections I’ve never made before about the female brain, in large part thanks to Dr. Lisa Mosconi (lisamosconi.com), neuroscientist, women’s brain health specialist, author of The Menopause Brain, and director of the Weill Cornell Women’s Brain Initiative.

    Thanks to Dr. Mosconi, we now know the female brain is brilliantly different. Not “different” in the way it got weaponized for years through a neurosexism lens to keep women parked in intellectual inferiority. Different in a way that shows the real distinctions, and the plasticity. And that opens the door to real solutions.

    Because brilliant, senior, high-achieving women are hitting their late thirties, forties, and fifties and walking away from the peak of their careers. Or getting organizationally gaslit, stalled, and quietly exited from them.

    The narrative is that we’ve “lost our drive,” or we “need to slow down.” And the undercurrent culprit everyone names is “burnout.”

    So let’s actually take the word apart. Because the fight over what burnout is has two camps, and both are half wrong.

    Camp one says burnout is a personal problem. You’re not resilient enough. Do some self-care, build your grit, try yoga, take a bath, become a slightly better-optimized version of yourself who can absorb the exact same load without cracking.

    Camp two says burnout is purely structural. It’s the job, full stop, and your brain is an innocent bystander.

    Here’s what the data actually shows: it’s both, and they’re wired together. So here are three surprising reasons burnout isn’t what you think it is. You can’t fix what you refuse to see whole.

    Reason 1: It’s an occupational hazard, not a personal weakness

    In 2019, the World Health Organization put it in plain language. Burn-out is “a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed” (World Health Organization, 2019).

    An occupational phenomenon. Tied to the conditions of work. Not a defect living in your personality.

    And the psychologist Christina Maslach, whose research built the standard measure of burnout, found it isn’t one thing. It’s three (Maslach & Leiter, 2016):

    + exhaustion – you have an empty tank

    + cynicism – you are going mentally distant from work

    + reduced efficacy – you have a creeping sense nothing you do lands

    Rest only touches the first one. That’s your first clue a bubble bath wasn’t going to fix this.

    She and Michael Leiter also found burnout isn’t random and shows up where there’s a chronic mismatch between a person and their job, in six nameable areas (Maslach & Leiter, 1997): workload, control, reward, community, fairness, values.

    For the record – in case you missed it – that’s a diagnostic you can use disguised as a list.

    If you are facing down burnout, the source is usually screaming at you from one or two of these areas, not all six.

    Reason 2: It’s a fuel shortage in your brain, not a feeling

    I’m sure the term “occupational hazard” sounds like a policy memo…right up until you see what the ongoing, day-to-day lived experience does inside your noggin.

    Chronic workplace stress isn’t just a bad mood. This stress floods your system with cortisol, the stress hormone that the body releases to help us survive in a fight or flight situation – you know like when we’re being chased by a sabre tooth tiger.

    This sustained high cortisol physically degrades the prefrontal cortex, the executive center that runs focus, judgment, working memory, and impulse control. Under that load, control shifts away from the thoughtful PFC and toward older, more reactive parts of the brain (Arnsten, 2009).

    So…when we need to be “thinking” what’s running the ship is the “reactive” part of the brain – most of the time on Autopilot.

    Burn. Out. The fuel and the machinery that runs on it, both depleted. That is why “just rest” and “just try harder” both fail. You’re asking a chemically downshifted system to power up on command, and it can’t, because the conditions drained the exact resource the command requires.

    Reason 3: Not every brain runs on the same size tank

    Now hold that next to the female brain, the ADHD brain, and the perimenopausal brain.

    ADHD is, at its core, a difference in how the brain regulates dopamine, the neurochemical you run on for focus and follow-through. Estrogen is a major player in regulating that same dopamine system. As estrogen swings and drops through perimenopause and menopause, the fuel supply gets really volatile (Mosconi, 2024).

    So take the same occupational load, the same six mismatches, and drop it on a brain that’s already running a smaller or more variable fuel reserve. The burn out doesn’t come because the woman is weaker on Tuesday than she was a year ago. It burns out faster because there is an oversized demand met an already-taxed supply.

    So here’s the actual equation

    I have math dyslexia, but to me this is actually a relatively simple formula.

    Burnout is occupational demand divided by neurochemical supply.

    What your work is demanding divided by the actual supply and reserves of the brain fuel you have to do.

    The job sets the demand.

    The demand is frequently rigged.

    The rooms you move through are often sending signals that you use extra energy to pay attention to without even realizing it. The tone of voice, who speaks first in meetings, who gets promoted, what project was assigned, who was released from employment, when and under what conditions.

    And your unique chemistry sets the supply, which is unique and variable.

    Blame yourself, and you get both variables wrong at once.

    The hidden “should” underneath all of it

    Running underneath burnout for many of us is a hidden “should”

    *I don’t “feel” stressed, so I “should” be able to handle this. If I were (fill in the blank – tougher, more resilient, more organized) I wouldn’t feel like I was burning out.**

    And that, should, my friend, is wrong twice over.

    The conditions are overloaded, AND your tank may be running lean through no fault of yours.

    What’s Your Move?

    So the question becomes – what do I do about? My recommendation, start by asking the question – Is this a me-problem, or is this a situation problem? Usually it’s both. And both have a move.

    Move 1 – Attack the demand.

    1. Use Maslach’s six areas and just ask yourself questions about each area and see if one is screaming. Workload? Fairness? Values?

    2. Name it candidly, don’t shy away from it.

    3. Determine the one move for the next 30 days that will give you the time, space, or energy you need to align with your priorities.

    Move 2 – Respect your supply.

    1. Stop comparing and grading your current brain and who you are today against some version of yourself in the past or someone around you.

    2. Get the real picture about your brain and where you are. There are actual clinical and support options for hormonal and neurodivergent side of this.

    FYI: Many OBGYN’s are ill equipped to talk about your brain health, but more and more functional doctors are becoming certified perimenopause and menopause trained to provide the support needed. Shoot me a DM if you want some resources and if you’re neurodivergent and experiencing perimenopause/menopause check out Dr. SarahNeurodivergent Women, Rewritten Hormones, Health, LongevityClear, science-based writing on hormones, health, and longevity for neurodivergent women, at every stage of life.By Dr. Sarah

    For the record, I believe you are quite possibly the most capable brain in the rooms you are running in … even if that brain does have little glitches here and there.

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    Frequently Asked Questions

    What is the real definition of burnout according to neuroscience and psychology?

    Burnout is a neurochemical fuel shortage resulting from chronic, unmanaged workplace stress, rather than a personal defect or lack of resilience. Formally recognized by the World Health Organization as an occupational phenomenon, burnout consists of three distinct components: physical exhaustion, cynicism (mental distance from work), and reduced efficacy. High cortisol levels from sustained workplace stress degrade the prefrontal cortex, shifting control to the brain’s reactive autopilot systems.

    How do perimenopause and ADHD accelerate burnout in women?

    Estrogen plays a major role in regulating dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for focus, working memory, and executive function. Because an ADHD brain already regulates dopamine differently, the hormonal fluctuations and estrogen drops of perimenopause create a compounding neurochemical deficit. High workplace demands paired with a volatile dopamine supply cause the brain to deplete its fuel reserves far faster.

    What are the six core workplace mismatches that drive burnout?

    Psychologist Christina Maslach’s research shows that burnout occurs when there is a chronic mismatch between a person and their work environment across six specific areas: workload, control, reward, community, fairness, and values. Rest and self-care only temporarily address physical exhaustion; resolving burnout requires identifying which of these six structural areas is creating the underlying strain.

  • Lessons from My Corporate Detox, Six Months Out

    The rules I absorbed. The ones I’m putting down. And the choice I get back.

    Six months ago, Accenture, the world’s largest global consulting firm, released me from employment due to “lack of work.”

    I have a PhD, 20+ years experience, built and ran 2 multi-million-dollar consulting practices at 2 different firms. Let me tell you upfront – this isn’t an Accenture-bashing memory. As a former executive who has had to make these calls, I understand how this decision was made, because I’ve had to make it and execute it multiple times.

    This decision was made by people who don’t know me as a human but by looking at a business – at a spreadsheet, looking at profit and loss, and viewing human talent as “inventory” and “assets.”

    The questions are always

    + What is the market currently buying?

    + What inventory can we sell and at what price point to make a profit for our shareholders? For service based organizations, this is service and solution-based approaches built on skills of people who that work out to an hourly loaded bill rate – salary + cost of keeping them employed.

    + How long has the inventory been on the shelves? For service based organizations, this is how long has the person not billed their time directly to a client.

    + Do we think we can recoup the investment at some point in the future based on where we’re headed from a strategy perspective?

    It genuinely isn’t personal and is a purely, humanly-disconnected financial exercise, looking strategically at numbers.

    When someone says “it isn’t personal, it’s business” – this is what’s happening to get to the decision. Before it gets personal.

    Once the decision is made, the execution of that decision is pushed down to a leader who actually has the relationship with the human who is impacted, whether that leader agrees with the decision or not.

    Now it’s personal.

    In my past, I had the unfortunate difficulty of having to make both made the financial call and then executing the phone call.

    I didn’t hide behind layers of leaders to hand the decision to someone else to execute. I felt the full weight of the responsibility of the decision. I every person I ever had to release is still a stone on my soul. Because I knew, if I didn’t make that one decision today, I’d have to make ad additional 10 in a month. Because it was business.

    That’s a burden of business leadership. It isn’t about profit over people. Or people over profit. It’s people and profit.

    I haven’t said that out loud until right now.

    I haven’t had the right words.

    And I’ve spent the last six months in a kind of detox situation… shaking off so many things I’ve absorbed over 20+ years in corporate America that I started to mistake as part of my “identity.”

    I’m sharing the top five today.

    Lesson 1: Invisible rules outlive their context.

    Every organization runs on rules nobody writes down. You absorb them to succeed inside that specific place at that specific time. But the risk is that somewhere along the way you can maybe stop seeing them as a “rule to survive here” and rather start seeing them as just part of life, or a part of you. Things like:

    + Always be available and reachable. On vacation. On weekends. During the birthday party, the family celebration… the family crisis… even your own health crisis….

    + A packed calendar means you really, really matter.

    + You should never be the one who says “no.”

    + The person who cares the “most” is the one who stays latest or logs off last.

    + You have to “prove” yourself.

    + You can, and “should” be able to “do” it all – be a C-suite leader, be named to Forbes 40 under 40, a present mom who “never gets angry”, a compassionate partner who “understands”, volunteer of the week, keeps the house clean, shows up to events with home-made food, handstitchs the kids halloween costumes…I’m sorry…that sounds ridiculous even as I’m typing it…

    You learn the rules because they work for that organization, department, or team. Right up until you step out of that “room” or watch something change around or underneath you. Those same rules don’t work other places and can even become a liability.

    The “detox” is about catching a rule as it’s firing, looking at it, and determining if it’s valid, if it works for you, and if you’ll keep it. Like cleaning out the the junk drawer in your kitchen. Keep what works and what you value. Toss the junk.

    Lesson 2: Corporate loyalty is a one-way street.

    Organizations ask for loyalty like it’s a relationship, like a one-sided relationship.

    FYI: IT ISN’T.

    I can’t say that loud enough.

    For the record, those caps are for those of you in the back of the room, who have outstayed your time misaligned in organizations taking advantage of your brilliance.

    I feel like I need to restate the obvious. Just like marriage, employment is a contract. Yes, you hope there’s mutual respect – or even love – when you sign a marriage license, but at its core, it’s a legal agreement. Severing a marriage takes court filings, lawyers, and costly legal action because of how the government views joint assets and income.

    Employment is no different in its contractual nature – except companies will rip up that contract the moment it suits their bottom line.

    Read it that way. Act like it.

    I’ve had three corporate exists, two planned and deliberate and one unplanned, but it’s the same lesson… employment is a contract.

    Negotiate the contract coming in. Recognize the contract while you are there. Respect that it was contract on your departure.

    Give your work your best while you are there. But give your time and effort in context of the contract.

    + Your self-advocacy isn’t disloyalty to the organization.

    + Your belief in your self-worth isn’t disloyalty to the organization.

    + Your expectation for fair compensation and respect isn’t disloyalty.

    Your expectation for a promotion because of time in service or because Sheila got one and she’s a jerk – now that’s another conversation and likely a whole different article, but I digress…

    Lesson 3: Worth and value get welded onto identity.

    In the United States – in Western society actually – a big part of our identity is connected to our work, and our work is, in a lot of ways, is connected to “output” – what we “produce” and what we “do.”

    To our competence.

    To a title.

    To our reputation.

    Being the one who holds it together, or rides in at the eleventh hour to save the day.

    So when the badge stops working at the turnstile, and the login shows “user not found”, and you have to introduce yourself with the word former… an internal sense of worth can wobble.

    That’s a trap.

    I’ve been reminding myself that someone else’s decision, made on finances and margins and market cycles, is not a verdict on my worth.

    Its a verdict on fit, timing, alignment, and possibly values – but not on “value” as in my personal value and self-worth.

    But our brains don’t wait for that memo. The brain takes the signal from the external environment and translates it, super fast, into a self-claim (maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am, not as ‘valuable’ as I thought) before you’ve had a chance to weigh in.

    I’ve been wrestling this one for months – who am I if I don’t have a “fancy title” or role description or current exciting, complex, difficult project or Fortune 500 company name to say when I introduce myself?

    Turns out… I’m still me. Same kick-ass stories, same skills, same sass. And when I talk to people without all of that other stuff they still lean in to listen to me. Even as “just Shans.”

    Lesson 4: Busy is the enemy.

    I want to put a big star here because this one is huge: busy is just busy. It doesn’t mean you are actually more productive, “moving the needle” toward anything of value, and all it does is make you “feel” better – for a minute.

    I have this insatiable drive to “feel” like I am getting something “productive” done every day. If I don’t, a little alarm goes off and a little anxiety sets in.

    I’ve had to sit and look at it. Really, really look it to understand why. Who is it serving? Who am I performing for? What is it getting me? Is it getting me closer to my goals?

    Or am I just moving papers around creating an illusion for my brain.

    Here’s what I’ve finally realized… “busy” is a bottoms-up brain stimulus-chasing brain function. It’s chasing a dopamine rush of feel good.

    And it’s noise.

    It’s manufacturing the feeling of doing something meaningful so I don’t have to sit still.

    Personally, 6 months after release, I’m paying myself to build something new and shed what no longer fits. I recognize that I’ve had the luxury of not sprinting to the next company or role the second the last one ended.

    But my nervous system keeps trying to spend that luxury on being “busy” anyway. Partly out of pure habit, partly out of what I now have learned is a brain-wiring difference. Three months into this detox when I couldn’t focus I got some help and learned I have an ADHD brain – and a lot of my past experiences now make a whole lot more sense.

    Busy is how I’d get the dopamine hit handed to me on a schedule.

    Including why I’ve chased so many shiny things for so long.

    Detoxing from “busy” is harder than actually detoxing from the job title, the work, the structure, or the identity.

    Lesson 5: If we don’t pause in the gap between an event happening to us to choose our path, reflex will choose for us on an autopilot default.

    The day I left Accenture, I felt 100 pounds lighter. Literally, the night I dropped off my laptop I felt pretty good. But the next morning when I woke up without any of the expectations, I felt so light.

    And I think that when someone capable, competent and committed feels lighter walking away from something – either by choice or if it’s chosen for them – that’s information about the misalignment in th conditions.

    I don’t say this with any bitterness toward the work, the organization, or the people. I say it as a pause.

    The consulting world raised me and I’m a consultant in my soul.

    I learned to be a consultant in the late 1900s (ha!), back when Joyce Doria, a Booz Allen partner and a student of Albert Bandura, father of social learning theory (one of my idols), might send you home if she decided you, as a woman, weren’t dressed appropriately to represent women correctly in the workplace. (FYI: My office was 3 doors down from Joyce…every morning was a really stressful walk past her office.)

    It wasn’t unheard of to work 16 or 18-hour days in a conference room racing a deliverable into a FedEx envelope – this was pre “sending it” digitally to a client.

    I’ve seen big shifts from my first gig training National guardsmen on how to bring in business to community Internet cafe’s at National Guard facilities in the early 2000s to today. The industry has asked a lot, and it gave a lot. I’ve learned to lead, to really problem-solve, and to dig for more when I was sure my tank was empty.

    AI is disrupting and rewriting all of it. And underneath the disruption there’s a quiet question the whole industry is asking its people… “did you do enough? Are you doing enough? Can you be replaced by a computer program”

    Which is being quietly translated through a productivity lens of “am I enough”

    But watch what the brain does with that. It takes “did you do enough”, and before you can weigh in, it translates it into “am I enough” – basically do I have enough value and worth.

    It’s a fundamental threat to the human psyche. Am I, a human being enough. Am I so easy to replace. What is my meaning?

    When we get down to it. That is the question.

    Who am I if I don’t have this?

    That translation is the whole game. It happens in a gap so small you don’t see it.

    The same gap where I was released and my nervous system reached for a reason and passed a verdict that the reason was “me” (to quote Taylor Swift – “Hey, hi, I’m the problem it’s me”)

    That’s also the same gap where the choice lives.

    You don’t choose the signal. Or even see the signal. But you can see the translation before it hardens into a self-claim, and pick the response.

    Catching the handoff from “did you do enough” to “am I enough” and refusing the trade by answering the question “yes I did enough. yes. I am enough”

    That’s what I’m building a space for.

    Taking my years of experience translating brain + behavior + social psychology for organizations to help people like me – Recovering Type A+ Overachievers shed cognitive load and high-functioning exhaustion picked up from rooms signaling expectations they’ve mistakenly owned as their own voice and get back on their own priority list.

    Six months out, I’m finally hearing the difference in the voice (ok – reality check, I’m getting quicker)

    If you’re a Type A+ overachiever…or just experiencing high-functioning exhaustion from those invisible “shoulds”… I see you.

    Stick around for the journey. I’m building this for us.

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    References

    Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. William Morrow.

    Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization. W. W. Norton.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Why do corporate layoffs feel like a personal failure even when they are financial decisions?

    Service-based corporate layoffs are fundamentally impersonal financial calculations 0 evaluating talent as billable inventory, utilization rates, and profit margins. However, because Western culture tightly couples professional titles and productivity with personal identity, the brain automatically translates a structural, spreadsheet-driven decision into a personal verdict of being “not enough.”

    How does chronic “busy-ness” act as a neurochemical coping mechanism?

    Constant busyness triggers a bottom-up brain response that delivers quick dopamine hits, creating the illusion of meaningful progress and productivity. For high-achievers (and particularly neurodivergent individuals), staying continuously occupied acts as a functional distraction from anxiety, helping perform competence rather than addressing underlying cognitive exhaustion.

    What are workplace “invisible rules” and why do they cause burnout?

    Invisible rules are unwritten cultural expectations – such as remaining perpetually reachable, over-committing, or treating packed calendars as status symbols – absorbed to survive inside a specific organization. High-functioning exhaustion occurs when you mistake these temporary survival tactics for permanent personal standards and continue carrying them outside that corporate environment.

  • The Tyranny of the “Should”

    A psychologist named it in 1950. And it’s still running your Tuesday.

    I started a newsletter on Substack…and it almost didn’t get a name.

    Not because I couldn’t think of one.

    Because I thought of plenty, and then I “should-ed” them out of existence.

    Every. Single. One.

    → It should be more professional.

    → It should signal the credentials.

    → It should be searchable, strategic, polished, defensible to a committee that exists only inside my own head and meets, apparently, around the clock…. (argh!)

    (I do this for a living, by the way.)

    I’m a behavioral scientist. I’ve spent (ahem) 20+ years explaining to very smart people why they keep doing the exact thing they swore they’d stop. (Sidebar: Did you know the internet says you “shouldn’t” lead with how many years of expertise you have if it’s over 15 because… ageism? Cool. So we’re breaking that one right out of the gate, too.)

    But back to the story about should…

    …There I was, narrating the play-by-play of my own stuck-ness in real time, completely unable to move.

    (Cool. Great. Very on brand!)

    So let me introduce the thing that almost ate me alive, because there’s a decent chance it’s been snacking on you too.

    Here’s the thing about a “should.”

    It doesn’t feel like an opinion. It feels like a fact.

    + I should answer that email tonight. (why?)

    + I should host Thanksgiving. (because of what?)

    + I should be further along by now. (according to who?)

    + I should want this promotion. (but do you?)

    The word shows up wearing the costume of obvious, neutral truth, and we obey it before we’ve had a chance to ask a single question. Like do “we” want it.

    A psychologist named Karen Horney clocked this back in 1950. She called it “the tyranny of the should”… the way a life quietly fills up with internal commands about who you’re supposed to be, none of which you remember agreeing to (Horney, 1950).

    Decades later, cognitive therapists put “should statements” on the official list of distorted thinking, right next to “catastrophizing” and “all-or-nothing” thinking (Burns, 1980)…(for the record, I’ve been known to do all three, sometimes in rapid-fire succession).

    You can want things. That isn’t bad. But the “should” is actually a standard you didn’t set. This standard was imposed on you, and then punishes you when you don’t meet the expectation.

    And that’s the part nobody mentions. The “should” comes with a tax.

    Two of them, actually: guilt and permission.

    There’s the guilt trip, on the inside.

    + The low hum or whisper that says you’re behind, you’re selfish, you’re not doing enough, you dropped a ball you never agreed to carry.

    And then there’s the permission slip, on the outside.

    + The sense that before you get to choose the thing you actually want, somebody has to sign off. A boss. A mother. Your neighbor’s best-friend’s Aunt Frida –

    + A culture, that decided a long time ago what a competent woman’s day is supposed to look like, a masculine man’s day is supposed to consist of, whether non-binary or transgender are even allowed to have a ‘day’

    So, a “should” is really two things at once. Something installed in you, and something still being broadcast at you, meeting in the exact second you decide what to do next.

    That’s why willpower doesn’t touch it. You can’t out-discipline an instruction you didn’t know you were following.

    To be fair, you can’t delete the reflex either. I’m not going to try to sell you that. The should is going to keep showing up, fast (so fast – like 200 miliseconds fast!) before you can think… that’s just our brain and how our brain works.

    But here’s where it gets interesting.

    You can’t stop the “should” from firing. But you can absolutely catch it after.

    That tiny gap, between the should landing and you obeying it, is the whole game. And the move in that gap is one question:

    Whose “should” is this? Is it mine or someone else’s?

    That’s it.

    That’s the verb.

    You look at the should sitting there, dressed up as obvious truth, and you ask whose is this? Sometimes it’s yours, and you keep it, eyes open, on purpose. Often it belongs to a room you walked out of years ago, and you get to hand it back.

    (No thank you sir, I respectfully reject this and hand this toxic nonsense back to you)

    That’s what I mean by “UNshould.”

    Not “stop having standards.”

    Not “quit caring.”

    Just… take the thing apart, find out whose it is, and choose from there. One should at a time. The first few are clumsy. Eventually, they get faster.

    So that’s what this is.

    UNshould is where I’ll bring you the science behind the default. It’s about getting yourself back onto your own priority list – you know, like that swanky nightclub in LA where you say, “I’m on the list,” and they usher you inside in front of everyone else. That kind of priority!

    We’re doing it without the guilt trip, and without waiting for anyone to sign a permission slip.

    Some weeks it’ll be burnout and boundaries. Some weeks I’ll wax poetic about neurodiversity. Some weeks it’ll be the strange thing your brain does in the meeting that matters. But it will always be the research, translated into something you can actually use by Tuesday.

    I’m going to sit next to you and whisper, “This is what’s happening,” with enough of the absurdity named out loud that we can both barely keep a straight face.

    The committee in my head still meets. I just stopped letting them run the place.

    Glad you’re here. Let’s go take some “shoulds” apart.

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    References

    Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. William Morrow.

    Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization. W. W. Norton.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    What is “the tyranny of the should” in psychology?

    Coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney in 1950, “the tyranny of the should” describes the rigid, unwritten rules and expectations people impose on themselves. These internalized commands create an impossible standard of perfection, driving chronic guilt, anxiety, and self-criticism whenever you fail to live up to values you never consciously chose.

    How do you stop “shoulding” yourself?

    You can’t eliminate automatic “should” thoughts because the brain fires them in milliseconds, but you can change how you respond to them. The moment you catch yourself saying you “should” do something, ask one core question: “Whose ‘should’ is this—mine or someone else’s?” Pausing to trace the origin of the expectation gives you the choice to keep it or hand it back without the guilt tax.

    Why does willpower fail when trying to break unhelpful habits?

    Willpower fails because “should statements” act as automatic cognitive distortions rather than conscious decisions. Because your brain processes external expectations as objective facts rather than optional opinions, you cannot out-discipline an internal instruction you don’t realize you’re following. Sustainable behavioral change requires questioning the default reflex rather than forcing compliance.

  • How to Stop Saying “Yes” on Autopilot

    Let me paint a picture.

    You’ve had three back-to-back meetings, your inbox is a mess, your team just Slacked you “quick Q?” and now someone’s asking if you can just take a look at that deck before EOD.

    And without even thinking, you say:

    “Sure, I’ve got it.”

    No Sheila – you don’t “got it.”

    But your mouth said yes before your brain had time to consult your actual calendar or your real energy.

    Welcome to the amygdala hijack.

    It’s not a mindset issue. It’s not a lack of boundaries.

    It’s biology – and your brain is doing exactly what it’s been wired to do when stress shows up like an overbooked meeting request.

    Here’s what’s happening

    When you’re under pressure – decision fatigue high, energy low, calendar packed – your amygdala kicks in. This is your brain’s fear center. Its job is to keep you safe, not strategic.

    It senses threat (a disappointed client, a critical boss, or even the awkwardness of saying no) and immediately pulls you into survival mode. Fight, flight, freeze – or in the case of women leaders? Fawn.

    Fawning is that reflexive yes. The over-accommodating. The default “I’ll just do it.”
    It’s protection disguised as professionalism.

    Here’s the problem: when the amygdala takes over, the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for logic, decision-making, and strategy, gets pushed to the back seat (Arnsten, 2021). You can’t think clearly because your brain is too busy protecting you from perceived social threat.

    Sound familiar?

    + To all you experienced leaders: It’s why your calendar is full of work that doesn’t actually move your title or salary.

    + To rising stars: It’s why you overprepare and still get overlooked.

    + To the business owners and entrepreneurs: It’s why you’re spinning in five directions but not gaining real traction.

    The science behind the spinout

    This isn’t about “just saying no” or “having better boundaries.” That advice skips over the biology.

    According to Arnsten (2021), chronic stress triggers a chemical cascade that weakens activity in the prefrontal cortex—making it harder to access executive function in the exact moments you need it. In other words, the more overwhelmed you feel, the harder it is to think straight, speak up, or strategically respond.

    That’s not a personality flaw.
    That’s neuroscience.

    And if your work relies on positioning, persuasion, and power? You need your prefrontal cortex online.

    The Pattern Interrupts That Get Your Brain Back

    If your brain’s been hijacked, you can’t mindset your way out.
    You need a pattern interrupt—a physical or sensory cue that tells your nervous system “Hey, we’re not under attack. You can stand down now.”

    Here are three quick resets I use and recommend:

    5-4-3-2-1 Grounding

    This one’s popular because it works. Scan your environment and say out loud

    + 5 things you see

    + 4 things you feel

    + 3 things you hear

    + 2 things you smell

    + 1 thing you taste

    It forces your brain to shift from reactive to present. Use it before you respond to that “quick favor” email.

    Cold Water on the Wrists

    Run cold water over your wrists or splash your face.
    It activates the parasympathetic nervous system and literally chills your fight-or-flight response.
    Try it between meetings, or before that high-stakes conversation.

    Stand Up. Change Rooms. Change State.

    Move your body. Change your visual input. Step away from the desk, even for 60 seconds.
    The movement plus visual disruption helps reset your amygdala’s sense of danger.

    These aren’t hacks. They’re interrupts. Micro-movements that shift your brain back into power mode.

    Before You Say Yes Again…

    Ask: “Is this a real yes, or an “amygdala yes”?

    Because clarity, confidence, and positioning all live in the prefrontal cortex.
    And if you’re leading, building, or leveling up? You can’t afford to keep giving power to a hijacked brain.

    Reference

    Arnsten, A. F. T. (2021). Stress weakens prefrontal networks: Molecular insults to higher cognition. Nature Neuroscience, 24(4), 408–417. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41593-021-00860-4E: helping clients strengthen confidence, sharpen clarity, and create meaningful momentum in ways that are practical, honest, and sustainable.

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